Harry Lowe's Web Pages

Tower: "Northumbria 02, you have traffic at your 10 o'clock, 6 miles"
Northumbria 02: "Give us another hint - we have digital watches!".

An R22 helicopter was held whilst an EasyJet 737 was landing. As it landed and taxied back past the R22, the captain of the EasyJet said: "What a cute little helicopter. Did you make it yourself?
The R22 pilot, not to let the insult go by, came back: "I made it out of EasyJet parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one!".

While taxying at London Heathrow, the crew of a USAir flight depating for New York made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a BA 747. An irate female Ground Controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming:
"USAir 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right onto Delta! Stop right there! I know its difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect to progressive taxi instrcutions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that USAir 2771?"
USAir 2771: "Yes, ma'am" the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after this verbal bashing of USAir 2771. Nobody wanted to chance enraging the irate Ground Controller in her currrent state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Heathrow was definitely running high.
Just then, an unkown pilot broke the silence asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Controller: "BA353 contact Newcastle Radar 124.37.
(pause)
Controller: "BA353 contact Newcastle Radar 124.37!"
(pause)
Controller: "BA353 you're just like my wife, you never listen!"
Pilot: "Newcastle, this is BA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

Pilot: "Good morning, Newcastle Ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"